When a Friendship Ends

As children we make friends readily, and we think we always will. Well into middle-age, the possibilities for new friendship seem limitless.

At some point—maybe around retirement age—we realize it’s become harder to make new friends. And so we cherish our longtime friends all the more. We savor our shared history, shared jokes, shared values. We assume these old friendships will last forever.

And then one day, that friend—the one you thought you knew inside-out—disappears. They haven’t died, they just withdrew their friendship. Maybe you argued and things were said that can’t be unsaid. Maybe you never argued, but tension had been simmering. Maybe your values have diverged and your points of view had become irreconcilable. Maybe your friend has a new partner who just doesn’t like you.

Or maybe you don’t know why that friendship ended because, as the kids say, that friend decided to ghost you—i.e. they simply vanished. And you don’t know the reason because they won’t return your calls or emails. Not knowing can be the most difficult of all.

We don’t often talk about losing adult friendships, but loss happens and when it does it can be very painful. Pain is often lessened by talking openly about it. So let’s talk.

First, acknowledge the pain.
You’ve had a big loss. Even if that friend, it turns out, was not the person you thought they were, you’ve lost the illusion of friendship and that hurts too. The more fully you feel the pain now, the sooner it will lift.

Also, when we don’t face our feelings head-on, they tend to sneak out sideways and hurt innocent bystanders. We don’t want to spread the pain; we want to solve it.

Face the facts.
Many people find that putting pen to paper lends order to whirling thoughts. Grab a pen and paper and write out the sequence of events. The point is to gain objectivity: what was said, what was done, by whom, when. That includes your part. Be detailed and be honest.

Now you’re looking at a timeline, maybe you see your friend had been pulling away for a while, but you hadn’t wanted to admit it. Maybe they’d previously said or done some fairly nasty things, but you’d chosen to overlook it. Maybe you’d seen them abandon other friends, but your ego said you’d be exempt.

If any of the above are true, the good news is: you do have radar! The not-so-good news is: you ignored it. But now you know, you can do better. And that’s what spiritual growth is all about—doing better.

What if it still makes no sense?
Some things just don’t and that’s a hard pill to swallow. There comes a point when you simply have to accept that you don’t know why that person behaved that way, and you might never know. And all you can do is let it go, the sooner the better.

Release the resentment.
While you’re stewing in pain, your former friend might be partying in Paris. Resentment only hurts the person feeling it.  

There is a proven way to release resentment, and it’s available to everyone of any religion or none. For two weeks, pray for the person you resent. Pray for their health, happiness and prosperity. Even if you don’t mean it, within two weeks you will mean it, and the resentment will lift. Guaranteed.

Look on the bright side!
You just lost one of your closest friends … which means you now have an opening for a new one! Plus, now you see how deeply you value true friendship, you have all that love to lavish on someone who appreciates you.

Of the nearly eight billion people with whom you share this planet, at least a few would be thrilled to be your new friend. They’re out there. That’s exciting! Be ready!